Honestly, I don’t get it. I could be sitting here, type-type-typing away, banging out words on the way to phrases, phrases on the way to sentences, sentences on the way to paragraphs, paragraphs that’ll eventually bring me to the end of this season’s blogging of The Bachelor.
I could be griping about how it seems like they’ve been in stupid old Switzerland for weeks now*. I could describe what Ben’s mom, Barbara, and sister, Julia**, make of his two remaining girlfriends***, Lindzi who rode into his life on a horse and Courtney who everybody hates.
Why aren’t I doing this? Why am I just sitting here? The most obvious answer would be that I just don’t want this season to ever end, and so, any lack of comment on my part regarding how little substance there is to either Lindzi or Courtney’s answers to Ben’s family’s questions about what it is that makes him such an especially loveable Bachelor****, can be construed as naively wishful thinking that not saying anything at all will keep me properly distanced from the ending for all time. But I don’t think that’s it.
I could be cracking wise about vests with lapels and suspenders that are worn for reasons other than to hold a person’s pants up, or how, whenever the producers of this show promise “the most controversial finale in Bachelor history,” we should actually expect tonnes and tonnes of low grade blah blah blah about the monumentally difficult decision there exists for Ben to make today and/or the Barbarinoise ‘confusion’ Ben manages to sneeze out in response to every tiny not-confusing stimulus that gets up his nose. But my heart’s just not in it.
Is it burnout? Could countless seasons of Bachelor blogging have so drained me of any and all sensitivity to irony, that all the bullshit talk about what Ben’s gone through along the way to this day – date after date after date involving no emotional risk, no financial outlay and no true effort on his part, while still getting all the credit and all the smooching – completely fails to get any sort of rise out of me whatsoever? Possible, but not likely.
Truthfully, I simply lack the enthusiasm for the task, and I believe that it’s Ben’s fault. Remember at the end of last season when Ben, after Ashley allowed him to get down on one knee and propose before she tossed him over, wouldn’t let her console him, couldn’t for one second let her say nice things to or about him? Remember “Good things don’t end, unless they end badly”? That was the moment that defined Ben. There was an angry promise made in that statement that made Ben Flajnik more interesting than just some second-place dude on a dating show. That exchange made Ben into the Bachelor that we wanted to see.
And he squandered it. Where’s angry Ben? What’s with this soft Ben who gives a shit about how Courtney’s treated the other women in the house all season? Who the hell is this guy who encourages Lindzi to be more vulnerable, more open to love for the past several episodes, dumps her at that fake-ass looking proposal altar set on a mountainside, and then gets such a serious case of the ohmanohmanohmans that the woman he’s just ditched has to comfort him and tell him that it’s okay that he just broke her heart? Did he really let her say he could call her if things don’t work out between him and Courtney? Shaaaaame!
But Courtney. Hooray for you, Courtney. They say that the truly great players elevate the games of those around them, and so we thank fucking gods for you, Courtney, because we shudder to think that what we just witnessed all this Ben season of The Bachelor was those other bitchez (you included, Ben) with their games raised. I can’t speak for anybody else, but I don’t even care that by the time After the Last Rose was being broadcast, your “forever” with that twerp, that phony, that sham, that impostor, was already over. That’s the deal anyway, for all intents and purposes. We all know that you didn’t want Ben as much as you just wanted to win. And we all know that for your efforts, you deserved to win something more, and better, and worth it. Someone get this woman a series, already!
*It’s actually just kind of an illusion, seemingly dragged out even longer by the Women Tell All episode last week.
***They love them both quite a bit. Greeeat, thanks for your valuable insight, guys.
****Notice that no one’s saying a thing anymore about how they’re loving your hair, dude.