You’re not going to believe it. You’re going to read this account of the most spectacular, controversial season-ender The Bachelor(ette) has ever seen, and you are going to say, “Dude, why can’t you just own up to the fact that you totally forgot that The Bachelorette’s season finale was Sunday night instead of Monday night, and so after you went on a long, all-day bike ride and then to a barbecue where you ate, drank and got merry, you couldn’t have blogged the stupid show even if you HAD remembered it was on, which you didn’t? Huh?”
And that is your prerogative. And I hope it makes you very content to act all smug about how clever with a good memory you are and say mean things about how dumb with a bad memory I am. I’m not mad at you; I understand that lots of people are like that – the good feelings they have about themselves must be experienced relative to their bad feelings about someone else. It makes them* easy prey to the most common reality show trick in the book – the old, Advertise-and-run-the-decoy-season-finale-show-on-a-different-night-than-usual-and-then-run-the-real-deal-on-the-night-the-show-always-airs. I understand and forgive you. Now, can we please get on with this?
In spite of how weird he was about getting the heave-ho a few weeks ago, no one truly expected to see Ryan again, on this or any other season of The Bachelor**, but there he is, lurking around Port au Prince, Haiti, the self-same place Emily has rather inexplicably brought her entire family, including Little Ricki (drink!), to meet the two remaining men who could possibly, within the confines of this television franchise, publicly and heterosexually declare their love for her and “propose” to her in front of an audience of millions. What’s he doing here? What’s anyone doing here? Weird.
But, if you have to ask what Ryan’s doing here, then you can’t honestly call yourself a Bachelor(ette) watcher***, can you? He told Emily at the time she gave him the boot that she was making a mistake, and now he’s here to make good on what he understood as a promise. It seems strange when Jef doesn’t show up at the appointed time for his date with Emily and her parents; that said, it’s also just sort of assumed that word came from his family that this union is not to be and it doesn’t matter that much anyway because Arie is the one Emily really likes kissing.
But Arie doesn’t show up for his date, either, which is a crying shame for Emily**** because 1) she’s been telling her mom all about what a good kisser Arie is and now her mom isn’t going to believe her, and 2) because Ryan shows up instead, informing Emily that he has kidnapped both Jef and Arie and has buried them alive and they won’t ever see the light of day again if she doesn’t marry him instead of either of them. So she does because what choice does she have, but it’s not without a sneaky plan of her own.
The whole time he was on the show, Ryan kept also promising Emily that she would be his trophy wife and she had to stay pretty if he was going to stay interested in her, and so Emily doesn’t stay pretty. In fact, she totally lets herself go like Betty Draper, and about six years into the marriage and about the same time Little Ricki (drink!) starts going into puberty and they find out she’s a mutant with super powers, Ryan leaves her.
Thus unencumbered, Emily returns to Haiti, and with the help of Little Ricki’s (drink!) powers of superecholocation and super strength, she locates Jef and Arie under a still-unrepaired building and allows them to see the light of day again! Hooray!
Now, in the time that Emily and Ryan have been married, Barack Obama has been re-elected***** and as part of his plan to destroy the United States of America once and for all, he makes it so that anybody can marry anybody else, even more than one person, and so, as Little Ricki lifts away the last piece of concrete that Ryan strategically placed on each of the other men’s legs to keep them exactly where they were, Emily sort of comes around to a godless liberal way of thinking, imagining the fun that could be had from marrying both Jef and Arie when they propose.
But, as it turns out, not only have Jef and Arie reached a point in their relationship where they’re quite used to and fond of one another******, but also, neither of them really digs on fat chicks either, so, sorry Emily, not interested.
Emily could take this the totally wrong way, and she almost does. She starts tearing up in that way we’ve all come to recognize, but before she can get too carried away with that, Little Ricki (drink!) tugs her sleeve. Emily looks down at her daughter, who looks up into her mother’s big brown eyes and says, “Mom? Why would you waste your energy on this fucking bullshit? Wanna see my new powers?”
Emily nods, and Little Ricki (drink!) pulls her down to kneeling, presses their foreheads together and in the epiphanic moment******* her own flesh and blood creates, Emily Maynard at once recognizes The Bachelor(ette) for the bullshit that it is******** and realizes what little need she has for any damn man. Then, Ricki whispers something in Emily’s ear. Emily’s eyes widen as if to say, “Really?” Ricki nods her head, mother and daughter smile at one another, then Ricki closes her eyes in concentration and they both disappear, just as Chris Harrison shows up with an engagement ring the size of a fist he planned on offering to Emily. They are gone, leaving Harrison to shed the tears from here on in.
NOW aren’t you sorry you didn’t watch the REAL season finale of The Bachelorette like I did?
*You, that is.
**Bachelor Pad, maybe. Probably. Hopefully getting a Snidely Whiplash-style mustache drawn on his pubis while he slept, but if wishes were horses, right?
***Here is your pat on the back for that.
*****Though Emily is obviously a Republican and rather disapproves, but that’s another blog for another time. And then Hillary Clinton gets elected after that! Finally! Yay, Hillary!
******A little on the co-dependent side, their friends say, but it’s to be understood.
*******Possibly another of Little Ricki’s (drink!) developing super powers.
********Of course, Obama cancelled it via executive order the first day of his second term, so, like…