Bachelorette Emily: “That Is Very Shocking Because I Would Not Have Seen That Coming”
When Emily announced at the end of last week’s episode of The Bachelorette that she and her troupe of düds would be headed to Dubrovnik, Croatia, it only made sense that a quick Google/Wikipedia search would be in order, so as to find out something about Croatia. It was illuminating, to say the least. For instance, did you know that Dubrovnik is the preeminent destination for women who want to finally cast off the boyfriend they’ve been feeling completely ambivalent about for weeks but just haven’t been able to pull the trigger*?
There was a slight typo on the date card that showed up, advising Travis that his time on this show was just about up. The card said, “Let’s look for love beyond these walls.”** It was supposed to say, “You might as well look for love beyond these walls, ‘cause…”
But I’m spoiling it, and even a man who is facing execution gets a last meal or something, right? So because he is a Southern yokel just like Emily, Travis gets a one-on-one date with her, during which she takes him to this balancing stone that just barely sticks out of the wall and tells him that the deal with this thing is that if you can stand on it and take off a shirt or coat, you’ll be lucky in love. The way it’s been told, Travis has not been lucky in love. You see, he was engaged to be married once, but they broke it off and he has not been on a date since.
Well, dang it all if Travis doesn’t manage to find a way up onto that stone, but does he take off his shirt once he’s there? Nope. And Emily’s disappointed about that, too. Dang. And the other thing is, Emily’s starting to wonder if there’s a romantic spark between her and Travis at all, but as they make their way into a little dining setup with candles and stuff, she feels the stage has been set for romance and if it’s there, she’ll find it.
Regarding the breakup of his engagement, Travis says, “I don’t think it’s anything I did wrong, I don’t think it’s anything she did wrong,” but dadgum it if he’s gotta say something right after that about being hungry and wanting to eat and that’s it for Travis. It’s not long before Emily’s grabbed the rose, getting him all excited, and delivered the first half of the spiel about the two of them having a good “friendship foundation” which he foolishly takes as a good sign – until she mentions the lack of romance. No rose for Travis, just a head fulla regrets about what could have been, a few plump tears and a walk in the rain to camouflage his crybabiness. We should probably just talk about something else now, like the group date, maybe?
Ah yes, the group date, for which the date card says “Lasting love requires bravery.”*** Basically, it’s a setup for the lot of them to go and see Brave, the new Disney film****, about a girl who doesn’t want to marry some goof that’s been chosen for her, she wants to choose her own goof. So off they all go after the movie to put on kilts and high woolen socks to have a mini Highland games – archery, caber toss, maide leisg – in some Croatian meadow. Chris is terrible at everything he does, but he was game about the whole thing so Emily gives him some kinda Bravery Award, and then she gives him the date rose too, even though he seems so completely uncomfortable around her and it seems rather unlikely that he’ll last more than an episode or two more.
Travis’ departure and the rest of the crew being on the group date leaves Ryan alone in the hotel room for awhile, which is good because his upcoming one-on-one date***** requires a certain amount of setup. Earlier in the episode, while Travis was off showing Emily how unsuitable he was for her, Ryan, um, reasoned that he doesn’t think Emily has a big enough personality to be with Travis, and he thinks she actually sort of goes for bad boys, of which he is one, a characteristic he feels comes out on a football field, which he misses. Is all this another way of saying that Ryan’s been a little lost since he stopped playing football and he genuinely fears that 1) his best days are behind him now and 2) he has little to offer the world now?
The only way to know for sure would be to watch him get ready for the date, meaning we get to watch him shave that weird design into his beard and listen to him talk about his pro football career some more and talk about himself as a ‘good looking man who can get the girl.‘ Does this remind you of anyone******?
So here are Emily and Ryan on a date. He drives like an old woman, they take pictures of each other in places because they’re both so pretty, they wind up on an oyster boat. Emily can’t swallow a raw oyster*******. Again, the topic of Emily As Trophy Wife comes up. She’s having a difficult time deciding about Ryan because half the time, he’s a pretty fun, enjoyable guy and the other half of the time, he’s a dick. The question is, which is the act and which is his real personality, which will assert itself more and more over time?
Luckily, by way of helping, Ryan pulls out a list he’s made (after much careful thought, of course), enumerating the Twelve Qualities Ryan Wants in a Wife. Ready? Loyal, logical – not overly emotional, encourager, faithful, nurturer, confident, magnetic, loves to laugh, assertive, unselfish, beautiful with a sexy personality, likes to catch my eye********.
Ah, but this is a sad turn of events – Ryan’s list doesn’t say anything about a loving family, which is at the very top of Emily’s not-quite-as-committed-to-paper list of the Twelve Qualities Emily Wants in a Husband, and so she cannot give Ryan a rose*********. “That is very shocking because I would not have seen that coming,” says Ryan, a guy who probably doesn’t get told to take a hike very often, which is not the same as saying he shouldn’t. Nobody else who doesn’t get a rose wants to hang around any longer than they have to, but Ryan’s still there, lecturing her on the mistake she’s making, after they’ve gone to commercials and come back. He does eventually go, and as he goes, we’re treated to a voiceover from Ryan about all the friendships he’s struck up with the guys – the perfect opportunity to cut to a shot of the hotel room, which is full of men hooting and hugging as his suitcase gets carried away, leading to the perfect closing line, where he says he prays the producers of the show don’t cut all his scenes to make him look like an asshole. Guffaw.
And then, because scenes where somebody sneaks over to see the Bachelor(ette) are becoming anticipated moments on this show, Arie sneaks over to see Emily and they lay in her bed and talk about what a shitty husband Ryan would be, then she gives him the rose that Ryan didn’t get and then they make out and then he goes back to the hotel.
Cocktail party highlights: John knows this thing is coming down to the wire and he can’t keep sitting there doing absolutely nothing and expect to keep hanging around, so he shows Emily his grandparents’ funeral cards, which he keeps in his wallet. D(ugh) gives her a one-armed hug. He is bound and determined to be the drippiest drip still remaining in the chase, but Emily sits him down right next to her and puts his arm around her, which is when D(ugh) finally makes his move, which is to slightly wiggle his thumb in the vicinity of her hip.
Both of these guys really have to go, but Emily feels she’s already dispatched enough losers here in Croatia. She ducks out in the middle of the rose ceremony to talk to Harrison and a producer, and for a time, they make it look like she’s not going to give out the last rose at all and send both John and D(ugh) home (yay!), but then Harrison shows up with a tray with two roses on it (booo!). And that is why I will forever keep a grudge in my heart against Croatia.
*Just an expression.
**Because Dubrovnik is a coastal city with big, old-fashioned walls with which it used to defend itself?
***I paid a lot of attention to the date cards this week. I can’t say why.
****Opening this weekend, hint hint.
***** “The world is our oyster.”
****** This guy?
******* If I say I’ll let that go without a remark, I’m not really letting it go without a remark, am I?
******** In the spirit of fair play, I’ll leave this as unremarked upon as Emily’s oyster problem.
********* And also because he is a murder/suicide waiting to happen.