Bachelorette Emily: “I Am A Really Good Catch.”

How’s that old saying go again? ‘Live and learn’? Yeah, that’s the one, ‘live and learn’. It seems like that was the theme to this week’s episode of The Bachelorette, at least whenever the theme wasn’t Bermuda, or what a murder/suicide headline waiting for his object and opportunity to come along Ryan is, at least when he’s not too busy being a physical trainer, a “really good catch” and a wholehearted appreciator of himself.

Penis Manor seems to be divided into two, maybe three camps on the issue of whether or not live and learn is a saying to put stock in. In one camp, there are the old dudes like Doug who are thirty or something, which, yeah, is like, so old, but compared to some of the other guys on the premises, they are old, and the thing about getting older is, you almost have to subscribe to that saying, or else what the hell have you been doing all this time, right?

Mind you, there are a lot of people in this world who are old enough that they really should know what’s what, and yet somehow, they manage not to. And maybe Chris, as the flag bearer for the camp of young’uns who have little choice but to answer back to the quantity argument with the appeal to the quality of a person’s experiences that matters, is onto something. Or maybe he’s just being argumentative for its own sake, the way people who aren’t even thirty yet will do, especially when they’ve found themselves an old dude who just completely rubs them the wrong way, the way Chris has found Doug.

Emily likes Doug, and it has more to do than just with him being a father who knows about single parenthood*. Their date is one of those walking around, going in all the shops in the town of Hamilton, Bermuda, while Emily says via voiceover that this is exactly what married couples do, so it might have something to do with his arms, which are gigantic and undoubtedly capable of carrying many, many shopping bags full of  stuff, or perhaps it is those arms combined with a demeanour so pre-domesticated that he’ll just carry all those bags without making so much as a goddamn peep. After that, Emily produces a postcard that she purchased, suggesting that she was so touched by his son’s letter to her that maybe they should send this back to him**.

Emily may like Doug, but do we? Mmm, we think he’s a bit of a square, actually, and for her part, Emily says that he sort of reminds her of Brad in that he’s always got to give the perfect answer. The best she can get out of him from the premise of what his old girlfriend, if she was produced right now***, would complain about as far as Doug goes: how he spends too much time with his son and how he doesn’t clean her car enough, before he’s turned the question back on her****. And then he doesn’t even kiss her, even as she’s making the face that says she wants him to kiss her, because, referring to himself in the third person “Doug never makes the first move.”

Oh, there’s something wrong with this guy, alright, possibly something worse than what’s wrong with both Nate and John, all put together. Yup, I’m skipping ahead to the two-on-one date these two guys had with Emily on a boat, jumping off cliffs into the water and eating dinner in a cave because…just because. My second-favourite part of the date was during dinner in the cave, Nate***** exclaims, “Hey, is this quin-o-uh?” and then musters something else about it being a good source of fibre. My absolute favourite part was when two identical stalactites broke free and fell from the ceiling, crushing each suitor’s skull just as Emily was about to give John the date rose, so it’s a crying shame it didn’t really happen, but on the plus side, we’re done talking about that date and we can mention the group date almost as much in passing now.

The group date features Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis and the Douchebag, competing against each other in two teams of four in a sailing race to see who gets to stay and make time with Emily and who’s got to go back to the hotel. Arie must have been on the winning team because all of a sudden, there he is, kissing her some more, and Ryan must have been on the winning team because not long after Arie’s been kissing her, he’s trying to manipulate her into feeling bad for kissing guys on TV, and Jef must have been on the winning team because there they are on the beach in front of a bonfire with a blanket wrapped around them, with Emily making the ‘kiss me’ face again, and Jef answering, “Well, we better get back******,” and the Douchebag must have also been on the winning team, because I’m pretty sure I didn’t imagine the fifteen second long exchange between the two of them before the cut to a commercial.

And then it’s time for the cocktail party, where we return to this issue of ‘live and learn,’ or at least Chris and Doug return to it, or at least Chris does, taking the time out of his one on one time with Emily to explain how not immature he is, like absolutely nobody’s really said about him. Then he pulls Doug aside so that he can tell him how not immature he is. Is Chris drunk? This is a very strange conversation. Chris might be on to something when he tells Doug that he doesn’t believe half of what he says, but he has no idea what he means when he says it. So.

Somewhere along the same lines, or not, Arie scoops Emily from a conversation she’s having with Ryan, and Ryan, being old, doesn’t appear to mind all that much because if he doesn’t win this thing, he’s thinking about Bachelor Ryan*******, and Sean is the only one who thinks to ask how Little Ricki (drink!) would feel about her mom getting married. In spite of giving the impression that it’s never come up between her and her daughter, Emily says she is sure Little Ricki (drink!) would be fine with that. And Emily should know, at least better than her daughter, because she’s lived more. And learned. Presumably.

Charlie and Michael “Ponytail Boy,” sadly enough, will not live to see the next episode, thanks to a rose-on-platter shortage.

*Remember Tony the Crybaby? Just barely? Well, that counts, you know.

**”What little kid doesn’t want a postcard from his dad(‘s lady friend who his dad will maybe marry without hardly including that little kid in the decision?”)

***Is this not an excellent idea for a show segment?

****Yes, Emily, what would your old girlfriends complain about, if given the chance?

*****To whom I was referring in my head as Travis. Just goes to show, eh?

******Which wins him the date rose! WTF?

*******Eeeewwww, much?

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