Bachelor Ben: “I Bet He’s Never Been Skinny Dipping With A Model Before”
As Bachelor Ben Flajnek and his merry band of wives-to-be wash up on the shores of Vieques Island, Puerto Rico, one question looms above all others: isn’t it about time we had a serious talk about Courtney?
When’s the last time you saw a contestant so widely despised as Courtney*? Sure, in Cthulu-knows-how-many seasons of The Bachelor, we thought by now that we’d seen every possible variation on this theme – the pretty (but sometimes pretty strange) looking** girl with an impossibly high opinion of herself, the borderline sociopathically bitchy remarks and conniving/gloaty attitude – but up until now, they were never, ever, all concentrated in just one woman! She steals catchphrases***! She drives potentially world-saving physicians first to distraction, then to tears! And there’s an alcohol poisoning waiting to happen (right here in my own house!) as a result of the drinking game where you take a drink whenever Courtney shuts down a conversation by mere force of her stunted personality. She is truly the entire package, and we could all do much worse following each of her scenes than to reach up and touch our jaws to ensure they are not hanging agape. Again.
Is it easy to be Courtney? I dunno. I mean, I think she makes it look pretty easy, and I certainly do think that by this point in her life – ever since she realized in grade school that all she had were her looks, such as they are, and a few secondhand lines she learned from TV**** were all she had going for her in what was to be a lifelong war against girls that were smarter than her, kinder than her, more clever than her – a lot of it is second nature to her. But is it easy to be Courtney? She’s 28 now and has no doubt seen America’s Next Top Model with their winsome young women with actual smiles and occasional clues in their heads. None of this quite explains what she’s doing on The Bachelor, but it’s already been made clear that this show has no better reason to exist than any one person has for appearing on it.
Oh my goodness, would you look at that? If we hadn’t already listed off all the reasons a person could ever need to hate Courtney, now look what she’s gone and done! All the space that we should have devoted to Ben and Nicki’s one-on-one date just got taken up talking about Courtney! Oooo, that…that…THAT MODEL, why, she’s just gone and saved this season of The Bachelor! I don’t exactly mean that Ben and Nicki’s date would have ruined the entire season, but ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*****
*snort* Huh? Wuzzat? Group date? Baseball? Yes, following a riveting debate between Blakely the Disappointment and not-long-for-this-show Elyse over who deserves the second one-on-one date more******, folks get divided up into two teams and play for the honour of attending a romantic beach party with Ben. Yeah, they play hard enough that people sometimes speak sharply to one another, but not so hard that anyone gets spiked. The game goes to extra innings and Red (Kacie, Casey, Courtney, Jamie) wins 10-9 when Red (Jen) strikes out. Yeah, sports, eh? All depends on how much you want it, right? Well, Jen says she wanted to win, but when all she really needed to do was make contact with the ball, did she? Ah, but let’s remember, we win and lose as a team, right? Two more runs at any other time in the game woulda done it, right? Lookit poor Blue, sittin’ there on the bench, all sad about losing while the others whoop it up at the beach – Ben giving a guilt rose to Kacie B. early, before Courtney can snatch it away like she did last week, Courtney trying to steal the whole segment by proposing that she and B go skinning dipping, an invitation he declines (this time) because he knows what a douche it’ll make him look like in front of the rest of the harem, the others doing…whatever it is they do that never seems to involve making time with Ben.
They don’t have their eyes on the prize like Elyse the personal trainer does before her one-on-one date. She’s cryin’ before she’s even left on the date, and that’s probably for good reason. It’s a date on a boat. On seeing it parked out there in the water, Emily quips, “I’d have to say you’re getting a little spoiled today,” but if she knew the first thing about anything in the world besides disease, however, she would have said, “I’d have to say you’re getting a little sent home today,” because everyone knows that, on average, boat dates don’t work out nearly as well as helicopter dates.
This is one of those sad situations that crops up around this point in every season of The Bachelor, where the people who have been allowed to hang around longer than they should, due to an overly conservative rose-doling procedure, get presented their walking papers*******, but not before stupid things like “I’ve done everything I want to do,” manage to escape from their mouths. Over supper, Ben picks up the rose, starts giving feedback as usual, but then blindsides her with an, “Unfortunately, I cannot give you this rose,” which just goes to show what shite his feedback is, because when Elyse says she just wants to know what she did wrong, he should have told her flat-out that it wasn’t that she did anything wrong, but that she just didn’t do anything particularly right.
Back at the room, all the ladies are sitting around when the guy comes and takes away Elyse’s bag. Courtney: “Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out.” Drink. “I’m actually pleasantly surprised.” Drink. Et cetera. It’s not long after this that she goes and waits for Ben outside his room and finally coaxes him into going skinny dipping with her. Who thinks they did it while they were out there? I do.
As for the cocktail party, Blakely appears to have had an epiphany******** that’s timed well enough to keep her in the hunt for another week or two, Emily steps in it again – ‘I feel really bad about what I said last week and I want to focus on you and me from here on in, so now I’ll talk a whole lot more about Courtney and how much I don’t like her.’ For the record, Emily, here are Three Reasons a Bach’ Won’t Take the Word of One Person Who’s in the House Against Someone Else Who’s in the House:
1: Maybe he likes the person being tattled on more than the person doing the tattling? When’s the last time YOU offered to go naked swimming with Ben?
2: This is a competitive game, involving a house fulla women all competing for a man-prize. What reason would the man-prize have to put any stock whatsoever in what strangers say about one another?
3: You think your own shit don’t stink, baby?
Somehow, she manages to escape the chopping block again, and Jennifer the Accountant, after literally striking out earlier in the episode, does it again figuratively.
*Ha ha ha, very funny. Nobody hated Ashley; hating involves caring.
**smooooooth forehead, loooooong mouth with the upper lip that occasionally sags over the bottom, the tendency to use the duck face whenever she thinks she’s been clever, this weird thing that comes up often enough
***Last week, she spoiled “Win-ning” for everybody. This week, she managed to cram, “Another one bites the dust,” “I’m about to rock your world,” “You gotta do what you gotta do,” and “You only live once,” into a near-miraculous twenty second span!
****Her Full House phase must have been something to behold.
*****If you must know, they got soaking wet in the rain, dressed up like Puerto Ricans and sat outside a church while Boring Nicki mooned over a wedding for awhile, and later he gave her a rose for no good reason.
******Neither, of course. There is no such thing as ‘deserve’.
*******Or their ‘climb over the edge of a motorboat in a really short dress’ papers.
********Am I good at baseball or what? I think I might be a lesbian! ‘Bye!