The Bachelorette: Ashley? Really?

"Care yet?"

Ashley Hebert, eh? I’m shrugging right now. Indifferently. As I begin to type, I worry that this indifference is something I won’t be able to overcome over the course of this season. What if I just can’t bring myself to root either decidedly for or against her? Of course, I really shouldn’t worry. By the end of two segments – a brief recap of her adventures with whatsisface last season and then a quick little something designed to show us how great and cute she is – I can now safely say that I am one hundred percent in favour of Ashley not finding love within the group of 25 suckers…, er, stiffs…er, hale fellows well met who the producers of the Bachelorette have selected for her to select from.

I feel even more strongly about this following her quick preliminary sitdown with Chris Harrison, where she 1) clearly demonstrates by showing up that she’s not one to easily learn a lesson, 2) comes across like it’s her fault that shit didn’t work out last season with whatsisname, and 3) so easily falls right in with all the stupid Bachelor(ette) cliches, like the one about people “being there for the right reasons.” But hey, we’ve got all season to root against Ashley. Some of these guys, we’ve only got an hour. Here come the limos!

So then. Cripes. Yeesh. For God’s sake. There used to be a time on the Bachelor(ette) when the potential suitors emerged from their limos, walked directly to she who would be wooed, hugged and/or shook hands with her, introduced themselves and then cleared the hell out of the frame so the next guy could move in and do the same. Now everybody’s got a schtick – broken compasses, poetry, bottles of wine, picking her up and walking away. Freakin’ Mickey Chef leaned in and kissed her! A complete stranger! On the mouth! Anthony the Butcher, on the other hand, immediately turned and checked himself out in the limo’s tinted window. Jeff the Entrepreneur wore a mask. William did impressions.

As for the cocktail party itself, again, I’m shrugging. The key word here is ‘cock’, and the presence of one woman just barely changes that dynamic. Now, I suppose if I was one of those guys, and it was a contest, and the woman was basically in control of whether I could stay in the contest, maybe I like to think that I’d try to have a good attitude about the whole thing, make a good impression and whatnot. But as it stands, it’s Ashley, so maybe I wouldn’t, and maybe Tim the Liquor Salesman had the right idea – get really drunk, fall asleep and snore so loudly that you’re guaranteed a spot in the first car home. And MAYBE it’s also a fairly good bet that at least a couple of the fellows from among the group of first departures – Jon, Anthony, Rob, Frank, Michael and Chris M. – now believe that not being conscious by the end of the episode isn’t as poor a strategy as they once thought.

    • Karen
    • May 24th, 2011

    Thanks for this. I totally forgot the new seasons started. I’m hoping for a weekly punch-up ending with Ashley crying. That would be awesome.

      • 68comeback
      • May 24th, 2011

      We can always hope. I gotta say though, it seems like we’ve mostly just got stiffs here, neither lovers nor fighters. I think the liquor salesman might have asked the Masked Entrepreneur if he wanted to fight at one point, but the Masked Entrepreneur politely declined. Is that his only superpower? No, I bet he knows a thing or two about tax codes, too.

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