Make A Wish, Bobby!
One problem with turning seventy years old (apart from the obvious), if you’re any old run of the mill guy turning seventy, is the presents. On the one hand, no one who isn’t that old has any idea of how to relate to a person who is, and therefore they haven’t the foggiest notion of what to get for their aged friend/relative, or where to find it. On the other, anyone over seventy, though they may have all sorts of great gift ideas for those in their age bracket, are completely unwilling to share these ideas because they don’t think anybody who isn’t their age has done enough to earn them.
But turning seventy years old when you’re Bob Dylan is even worse. If you’re just any old old guy getting older, they give you the gifts no matter what because they don’t care so much about whether or not you like them. When you’re Bob Dylan, however, they’ll either be completely paralyzed with worry that you’ve already got everything in the world you could possibly want, or completely paralyzed with fear that you’ll sneer at them and their inadequate offering. Either way, Bob Dylan does not get a lot of birthday presents, but on top of that, lots of times people don’t even call. And on a guy’s Big 7-0, that’s one raw deal.
We here at the 68Comeback Special, however, are not so cowardly or faint of heart. We’ve written plays with Bobby D as the central character, we’ve posted funny cartoons that others have drawn of him, and in other places, we’ve even taken the time to contemplate, going forward, his best interests. In other words, believe us, we know.
And so, it is on the strength of that knowledge that we suggest, on the occasion of his SEVENTIETH birthday, that all Bob Dylan wants in the whole wide world is for you to consult this here “Your Best Bob Dylan Album Calculator,” then go and purchase the album you have been directed to buy and otherwise leave him alone. Predictably enough, you might be inclined to suggest that this advice bears a strong resemblance to the aforementioned bad birthday business of not getting him anything and not calling. But no, this is different.