Bachelor Brad: Too Much Wishful Thinking

"Please...just, go home."

We get comments! Well, just barely, but still.

Someone asks, “Aren’t we going to see man-tears? When are we going to see man-tears?”

Man-tears? From who, Chris? Because from Brad, I doubt it. Well, maybe, I guess. I mean, if there’s one thing you can count on to happen on the Bachelor, it’s that the show’s needs for of-the-moment drama will always get addressed, i.e. via dates on which women are confronted with their deepest-seated fears or with incidents from their pasts which have left them emotionally scarred. I suppose that anything can happen in that sense, but if you can understand that I am a person who doesn’t cry and who doesn’t see much purpose for crying, then you’ll see how I don’t see why Brad would have reason to cry and in fact, I would be rather scornful of him if he did.

But I’m pretty scornful of Brad anyway. Remember how Jake, even though he was bland and not very interesting, would cut women from the game if he didn’t figure they needed to be there any longer, and never seem to feel very bad about it? Brad’s bland and not very interesting, too, but he hoards the women, feeding them lines to keep them interested until he has to cut them, after which he pretends (not convincingly) that he feels quite bad. Dude is totally worthy of scorn, which I admit is only my opinion and probably not enough to keep the harem from following him to Las Vegas.

Now, personally, I have misgivings about the change of venue. Having just finished reading The Passage, I have it on good authority that Vegas is crawling with a plague of blood-sucking vampire creatures – ‘virals’ they call them – and is no place to take the group of women from which you are trying to select a mate.

Maybe it makes sense, then, that Brad’s first solo date of the episode is with Shawntel, the funeral director. Much to the chagrin of anyone who last week got character building/drama manufacturing dates involving walking on the bottom of the sea or rappeling down the side of a building or otherwise NOT go on a shopping spree in Las Vegas, Shawntel’s date involves lots of conspicuous consumption and then dinner with Brad on the angular-looking roof of some building, where she regales him with tales of embalming while he good-naturedly pretends the stories aren’t making him nauseous. Chemistry! “What could make this night better?” he asks. I answer, “Virals?” I am wrong. Apparently it is fireworks and smooching. And a rose. Oh, sure. I guess if you say so, Brad.

Now, as we move our discussion over in the direction of the group date, a little NASCAR-themed thing at Las Vegas Motor Speedway – where Emily’s fiance/baby daddy was enroute to when he, er, died – it’s important to bring into the foreground something that always sort of gets let go by in all these dates, that being that the fix is totally in on all of them and any given Bachelor(ette) has precious little to do with their planning or execution. Emily is visibly freaked out by the nature of this date, and so there she is in the infield with Brad as he apologizes for doing this to her. After all, he didn’t know, right? Right. But if Brad doesn’t deserve blame for taking his dates on creepy/scary/traumatizing dates because he is ignorant of just how creepy/scary/traumatizing they are for the women that go on them, then how much credit does he deserve for successful dates with helicopters and shopping sprees? He’s not only not planning or executing these things, he’s not paying for them, either. Like, fuck. These people are being encouraged to enter into televised romantic entanglements with strangers, being fed lots of booze, getting told to let their guard down so maybe they can fall in ‘love’, but they’re not even allowed to be properly informed as to what’s real and what’s not?

Anyway, Emily gets in the car and drives anyway. She says in the voice over, “The first few laps were for Ricky and the last one was for me,” and that’s when Emily realizes that she’s too good for this show or the schlub who’s been made this season’s centerpiece, and points the nose of that car towards home and her daughter and floors it.

Or, no, not actually. She goes to the crying party instead, where almost everyone is crying because even though they might be special, they’re not special enough to have high enough self-esteem to not cry. “See how emotional the women are,” Brad says. “This is pitiful*.” But Emily doesn’t cry. Is it because she wouldn’t dream of giving him and all the other voyeuristic creeps who’re peeking in on her life at that moment the satisfaction? We can always hope. Man, Michelle looks pissed when Emily gets the rose.

Last date, a two-on-one date featuring the two Ashleys. Too many Ashleys. One must go, by the end of the date. The funniest part of the segment? When Chantal and Shawntel are sitting on the bed back at the hotel, talking about which Ashley they’d most like to see not get eliminated. Second funniest part of the segment? Brad saying, “I am a huge Cirque de Soleil fan!” They rehearse for awhile, then go for dinner. Brad really can’t decide who to keep so he does ‘eenie meenie miney moe…you are not IT!’ and boom, Ashley S. has to walk home**. It makes her very sad. It makes Brad sad, too, but not the kind of sad that makes him cry man-tears, the kind of sad that makes him call his therapist/life coach so that douche can give him some trite sounding advice over the phone before he goes to the rose ceremony cocktail party.

The party is lame. Another question that’s been asked in the comments is, “Why are there not any fights with hair-pulling and the such?” Well, doesn’t Brad referring to Chantal’s tears earlier at the racetrack as drama, before they make their peace and he gives her a rose, count for that? No? Well, how about when he gives Alli a little tiny dessert and then gives her a rose? Not that either? What about the part when Michelle takes him in another room, closes the door, sits on his lap, tells him not to talk and then doesn’t say anything interesting herself? Well, at least she strokes him off, eh?***

Gone: Lisa, Marissa.

Not Gone Yet: Michelle, Alli, Britt, Jackie, Chantal, Ashley H., Emily, Shawntel

*”difficult.” He said, “This is difficult.”

**To the cab. She has to walk to the cab.

***Sigh. This show never goes the good way.

    • Karen
    • February 1st, 2011

    I never thought I’d say this, but this season is too boring to watch. Brad is like a deer in headlights all the time, with his slow, stupid reactions to whatever is happening in front of him. It would be more entertaining to see what kind of date he’d actually plan because for sure it would just be picking up a wine spritzer and sitting on a beach staring at each other’s semi-dressed presence until the girl was too drunk to sit upright. But please keep watching so I don’t have to. 🙂

      • 68comeback
      • February 1st, 2011

      Unhappy to oblige.

    • Rachel
    • February 2nd, 2011

    I’ll keep watching with you. I can’t stop. Thanks once again for the entertaining analysis. I don’t think I’d ever seen Lisa or Marissa on screen before. Granted, I usually watch while trimming my toenails or deleting spam from my email inbox and only look up when someone starts to cry, but still. And how long is it going to take for him to realize that Michelle is the worst? THE WORST.

    There ARE going to be man tears! Haven’t you been paying attention to the previews?? Most controversial season of the Bachelor ever! That has to mean she tells him to stuff his tacky diamond ring, right?

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