Bachelor Brad: “Please Don’t Make Me Hit You Again”

"Please don't marry me."

Here goes nothing, quite literally. It’s a new season of The Bachelor, featuring good ol’ Brad Whatsisname, who couldn’t quite manage to find a wife during his last time through the meatgrinder, which was about three years ago*. I didn’t watch that season, but I also didn’t have to, because if there’s one thing this freaking show is good at, it’s telling you what happened, over and over again. Brad couldn’t choose! Brad didn’t choose! He just left them hanging, those two women who loved him and wanted to marry him!

We should take the opportunity to note here, briefly, before we get to the two women who loved and wanted to marry Brad, who he left hanging because he couldn’t and didn’t choose, that Brad feels bad about how that went, and he spent three years in therapy following his season on The Bachelor**. And so, having done that, here they are now, those two women who loved Brad and wanted to marry Brad, who Brad left hanging because he couldn’t and didn’t choose! ‘Hey there, two women who Brad left hanging because he couldn’t and didn’t choose,’ asks Chris, the worst reality show host going, ‘what do you think? Will he be able to choose this time, or will he leave hanging two new women who love him and want to marry him?’

Maybe he will, maybe he won’t – that’s what they think, those two women…okay, that’s enough of that. But you know, at least one of them figures that when the next batch of exhibitionists sees him, the wall’s going to shoot right up with a few of them because, well, you know. To which I say, oh please. The entire Bachelor thing is built on the premise, especially when it comes to the ladies chasing the man, that every single one of them believes that she can love him better than other woman, anywhere, ever. And furthermore, any woman in this crowd who thinks it’s Brad’s fault that he didn’t hitch up with somebody the last time ’round might as well turn around and get the hell out right now, because if they honestly believe that he should be with somebody else, then what would the point be of even getting in the freakin’ limo?

And so, without further ado: Limos! With ladies!  Chantal O., the very first one out, slaps his face for all of the women in America. Nice, eh***? Anyway, another 29 women later, some of them very hungry looking and twelve getting asterisks by their names in my notes as having looks in their eyes that could very well be their insanity leaking out, Chris strolls up and asks, “Is your wife in there?”

Well, we should certainly hope not. Okay everybody, it’s time! Fingers crossed? Positive thinking mechanisms engaged? Good. Let’s all concentrate and focus our attention really hard on making this a countdown to the SAME GODDAMN ENDING AS BEFORE! And as of right now, we have reason to be optimistic. Yes, he walked into the room and told everybody he was sorry for what happened three years ago. Yes, he even insisted several times that he’s different now. BUT – 1) he’s NOT different now. Three years later, he’s standing in the exact same spot as he was before, and 2) he also offered anyone who wasn’t sure if he was there for the right reasons**** the opportunity to leave, right then and there, which to me is the same as saying, “You don’t like it? Then get the hell out!” which is the first step toward eventually getting rid of EVERYBODY.

And he gets off to a really great start, too, eliminating 10 of the 30 ladies right off the bat, keeping 8 of the 12 I had marked as potentially insanely insane. Listen, I’m not going to go into a lot of detail this time about the 20 he kept because that’s a lot of people, especially considering it’s still just the first cut and quite a few of them are going to be gone by the end of next week, which will have things down to a more manageable number, right? But hey, here’s my list of the ones that I asterisked who’ll hang around at least that long. Remember, some of these may not be crazy, and it’s for sure that some that didn’t get asterisked WILL be crazy after all. Please feel free to discuss this in Comments, but if you aren’t watching the show and are just reading along for fun, don’t start watching on my account, okay?

Here’s my list of crazy: Chantal O. (for Obviously), Alli (who got broken up with once because her ass was too big), Jackie (pinkie-swear enthusiast), Lisa M (ruby slippers), Keltie the Rockette (who became more endearing with that little “We’re going to fall in love and get each other nice Christmas presents” song), Michelle (the hairstylist/maneater who is not to be confused with Madison the vampire/maneater, who I didn’t pick as crazy, perhaps surprisingly), and Meghan and Sarah, who made no impression on me whatsoever (except for seeming sort of crazy, and for rhyming with Tegan and Sarah).

*’Three years ago,’ had it been made the trigger for a drinking game, would have hospitalized many people this evening.

**We could note that he says it’s due to his trust issues stemming from a problem with a bad dad, but we sort of like the idea of just leaving it at ‘three years in therapy after his season on The Bachelor’.

***Yeah, she got the very last rose of the evening, but can we be honest here? If it was a man getting out of the limo, and the first thing he let a Bachelorette know was that he hits, what would you think?

****Nobody’s here for the right reason, and anyone who thinks they are can also turn around and get the hell out.

    • Karen
    • January 4th, 2011

    You seriously didn’t have Madison the Twihard as insane? How is that even possible?! I thought she was going to start crying when he said he didn’t want to play games with her, so if she wanted to be there then she should act like it. I wanted her to cry. I wanted her to take off her stupid fangs and say she was there for the right reasons so I could loathe her like the rest of them. As it turns out, I loathe her for having fangs anyway. Who does that?

    Clearly I am not prepared for another season of this bullshit. I blame Rachel.

      • 68comeback
      • January 4th, 2011

      “Twihard.” Heh, that’s good. I almost put her down as crazy, and I reserve the right to change my mind if she starts coming across like she actually believes she’s a vampire or something, but I see the fangs as an ill-advised/stupid attention-seeking device, a gimmick that she was too aware of to be considered crazy. But please don’t take that as me saying I don’t think you should loathe her. “Who does that?” is an excellent question. Do you think she should have sided with the werewolves instead?

    • Rich
    • January 4th, 2011

    Thanks for watching this so I don’t have to. Your posts are probably more entertaining than the show!

      • 68comeback
      • January 4th, 2011

      “Probably,” Rich?

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