Bachelor Pad: “I’m freakin’ out!”

Can I tell you a secret? I love the Nanny, who is also sometimes known as Elizabeth. Why a secret? Is it because I don’t want my wife to find out? No, it’s because I don’t want the Nanny to find out.

Quickly though, I couldn’t exactly say how the ladies came to outnumber the fellas in the first place, but they did, and that simply would no longer do, and so a giant spin the bottle game allowed each of the remaining guys to choose a gal with whom they would pair up until the end of the season which is, mercifully, next week. Nikki, Ashley and Gwen, being of no interest or value to any of the remaining males in the house, are in the limos and out of the running almost before I’m downstairs from putting my daughter to bed. Disappointed? Not me.

Okay, back to Elizabeth, er, the Nanny, er, Elizabeth, er…it doesn’t matter. Back when I was adamant that I wasn’t going to blog Bachelor Pad, I did for a short time privately entertain the idea of just blogging Elizabeth for as long as she lasted, figuring that she wouldn’t last long because of her little insanity problem. But there she is, with the season finale coming up next week, right in the thick of things, which you should take as meaning in front of the house with Kovacs, her ‘boyfriend’, making out, at her suggestion, in a Lamborghini that was intended for Dave and Natalie’s date. She Loves Him!

But, speaking of Dave and Natalie’s date, which they won by being the best at catching a water balloon at ever-increasing distances, is anyone the least bit curious at this point that is so tantalizingly close to the end of the Bachelor Pad season, about what each contestant would do with the $250K if they won it? We know from Dave and Natalie’s date what each of them would do*. Natalie would pay off her student loans and send her parents on a trip. Dave would use it as seed money for a business he wants to start back in his hometown of Tampa, along the lines of what he and his father did before they became estranged (because they’re both obnoxious dicks).

Now, while Dave and Natalie are off somewhere driving fast and pretending that if they got together in real life, it would be all Life in the Fast Lane, everybody else is back at the mansion, marking time. Elizabeth and Kovacs wind up fucking and fighting in the Fantasy Suite, a little bit because he’s not romantic enough and mostly because She Loves Him Not!, or perhaps because the only way you can possibly know that the Nanny loves you is by how much she appears to hate you. I want my love for her kept a secret from her because if, on the off chance she found out I loved her and decided that she loved me too and wanted to be on my side in this world, well, if that’s what you call loving someone and being on their side, it’s nothing I want any part of.

I think, probably, if Kiptyn won the money, he would just about have to get his ears sewn to his head, and his eyes uncrossed, and maybe get his name legally changed to one that Tenley couldn’t quite so easily fashion retarded puns from. I haven’t any idea what Tenley would spend the money on, except that it would surely be twinkley, and if you’d like to join my prayer group as any sort of defence that can be mustered against such an abomination occurring, then you are very sincerely invited. What would Peyton and/or Jesse B. do with the dough? That’s a trick question, son. They’re ELIMINATED**! 

Kovacs would have to use the money go into hiding from Elizabeth, and Elizabeth? I’m now officially rooting for her to win because she needs at least that much worth of therapy before it’s safe for her to return my love.

*We also know that I should be producing this show because if I was, all my guesswork last week about what it would take to make Dave cry would not have gone down as so much idle chatter. We would have seen it happen!

**Not that it matters now, except in a ‘learning experience’ sort of way, but if you’re not born a cool kid, you’re just not a cool kid. Always remember that, freaks.

    • Rachel
    • September 7th, 2010

    You were SO RIGHT about Dave!

    • Karen
    • September 7th, 2010

    I’m sorry, Craig, but Elizabeth needs to lose. Ideally, Kovacs should break it off with her for the money and make her cry big, stupid tears. Hopefully there’s enough time for her to go on a crazy rampage and physically attack everyone remaining, causing the medical attendants to Brown Jumpsuit her and leave everyone too weak to win. Then the house would self-implode and suck everyone from this show into the abyss, never to be seen from again. That’s the only way to make me feel like I didn’t just waste all my Mondays this summer. Though I’m still pushing for the “SAW” ending…

      • 68comeback
      • September 7th, 2010

      Karen, I like your scenario well enough, and if it goes down that way, or the SAW way, you’ll hear no complaints from over here. But if neither of those things happen, let’s remember: THEY ALL need to lose. The particularly insane genius of Elizabeth winning, however, is that it means that the one most of them voted as the dumbest in the house, with the worst boob job, walks away with the dough, which would be VERY difficult for every single one of the group that remains to tolerate. And, by virtue of the fact that she’s gotta live with herself each and every day of her life, even when Elizabeth wins, she loses.

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