Bachelor Pad: “I just realized how gross this is.”

I said I wasn’t going to do it. I really wasn’t going to. I didn’t think I could do it. I feel like last week’s Gia, going against my own stupid plan just as soon as it doesn’t suit me as well as it did when I ‘decided’ the first time.

What we’re looking at here is a competition for $250K, among former contestants from the Bachelor(ette). Oh, and also: LOVE*. There’s equal numbers of men and women. Every week there’s a challenge – so far, a Twister contest, a pie-eating contest, and a kissing contest – for which there is both a male and a female winner. They win: immunity from elimination at the end of the episode, the right to choose members of the opposite sex to go on a date with them. On the date, they can choose one of their dates to give a rose to, thus protecting them from elimination at the end of the episode as well.

So the show is gross. Evidence: the return of the Weatherman. And the Nanny**. Those who don’t go on the dates stay at the house, where they: drink, scheme, flirt and/or make out, and possibly take a moment or two to marvel at the fact that this is how they spend their time while most everyone else in the world…doesn’t. It’s gross.

But here’s an interesting point, and perhaps the one beautiful thing from a viewer’s point of view, about this gross, gross derivation of a show that’s always been pretty gross, all by itself – thanks to the sheer number of unlikable creeps and forgettable losers that have populated the Bach’ franchises over the seasons, even though there’s always four people who are immune from elimination at the end of the episode, there is never a shortage of people we’d be happy to see sent away. AND – even after two people are sent away at the end of the episode, there are still plenty of people we can look forward to leaving at some time in the future.

Consider, for instance, Gia, who inadvertently facilitated Craig M’s departure last week when she didn’t give him a rose as promised while they were out on a date. It was annoying that she didn’t keep her promise, but not that Craig went home. And then Gia went home this week, based on a tie-breaking decision made between her and the Nanny by kissing contest/rose winner David***. But even if he had chosen the Nanny to go home instead, who would have cared, as long as someone went home?

Well, Gia’s not-boyfriend, Wes, would have cared: “Somebody went home today who didn’t deserve to go.” But wait. Of all the obnoxious notions in play on this show – that attraction in some way equates with love; that the word ‘love’ should even be allowed to be uttered, never mind encouraged; that this shit is one iota more respectable than I Love Money – what is this business of ‘deserve’? Who deserves to stay? No one! Who deserves to go home? Everyone! Who’s going to bed already? This guy! What will he dream about? All the tears they’re promising for next week!

*I honestly have no more freaking idea than you, but it comes up constantly.

**Who produced this post’s quote, while looking at the Weatherman, as the ladies came out to start the kissing contest.

***Who I’ve never much cared for, but he came across like a halfway decent guy during this episode, and apparently he’s quite a good kisser, too.

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