Bachelor Pad: A Drinking Game

If there’s anyone out there who’s come here because they think I’m going to start blogging Bachelor Pad, I’m sorry for misleading you. I don’t believe that I can blog this abomination show.

BUT…

I have been watching; I’m worried that I’m unable to stay away. And so, by way of offering some kind of solution to that problem, to myself and weaklings like me (I’m looking at you, Rachel), I would like to propose a drinking game called Tenley’s Tears.

It’s easy. You’re watching Bachelor Pad anyway, so just keep watching, and when you see Tenley start crying, you start drinking, and you don’t stop drinking until you are hospitalized or dead. That solves a problem, doesn’t it?

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    • drz
    • August 17th, 2010

    Oh, please do blog this, Craig… you need to watch TV for me; it’s the only way I can digest it.

    d

      • 68comeback
      • August 17th, 2010

      Like the bacteria that live in your belly, except for television.
      Personally, I think Rachel should blog it, but maybe I can make it work if she’ll let me appropriate some of our conversation from last week. MAYBE. And IF I do, you need to remember that it’s only because you’ve appealed to my vanity.

    • Rachel
    • August 17th, 2010

    It’s awful. AWFUL. Don’t make him blog it. I take back all of my previous requests for same.

    I’m not sure I can go on with this. I was so hopeful at around 8:45 last night. And then Gia betrayed Craig and I knew all was lost. I like the idea of your drinking game, but for God’s sake man, she didn’t start crying until 9:45 last night. What if I have to wait that long again? The very thought is intolerable.

      • 68comeback
      • August 17th, 2010

      Ah, Gia. That part where they’re all heading back in after the rose ceremony, and she’s asking whatsername who didn’t vote with the rest of them if it was her that screwed up the plan? A classic example of a talking asshole: she’s so down with her OWN FUCKING PLAN that she’ll abandon it before Step 1 is even completed, but she’ll still demand that everyone else sees it through to the end.

      I’m wavering. You can see that, can’t you?

        • Rachel
        • August 17th, 2010

        I can. And I am, too. For a brief moment there, it looked as though there might actually be someone — a feisty little team of someones — to root for. And then it all fell apart again. I was almost proud of the Weatherman. But the swimsuit model effed it all up and then pretended she hadn’t. Is it the booze that’s making them all act extra goony? Why is all this romantic crap coming in to muddle things up? It’s supposed to be about trying to win a bunch of money. And they were so close to gaining the upper hand, those “outsiders.” It’s enough to break your heart.

        I can’t blog it. Morally, it wouldn’t be the right thing (to paraphrase Gia).

        Actually, there’s just no way I could write anything half as good as your Bachelorette posts.

    • Karen
    • August 20th, 2010

    These contestants are idiots. They all talk about loving each other and, like, how can plastic, empty-headed puppets have an emotion like love?

    I know Rachel hates the constant spoilers, but I felt a little better seeing that Gia is totally going to cheat on her boyfriend next week because I want to see her suffer for ruining the strategy concocted in my head by declaring she loves Wes. I want to see more crying. I want more guys leaning over railings, bawling big crocodile tears, and girls with puffy faces, with makeup leaking down their faces. (I’m convinced Nikki’s mascara reproduces itself every 5 minutes. Someone should collect it for poor, thin-lashed women in developing countries.)

    Really, I just someone to have a personality on this show. Is that too much to ask?

      • 68comeback
      • August 20th, 2010

      They can talk about love because it’s in the rules of their childish dress-up game. In fact, they can’t NOT talk about love, but, being plastic, empty-headed puppets, they have not one clue among them about what it means.
      You want to see Gia suffer? Me too, though I’d settle for seeing her mouth completely close just one time. You want more crying? Hey! Samesies! Maybe if they could all just wake up one morning after a night of drunken this’n’that to find themselves not in their cushy mansion, but in some kind of “Saw”-type arrangement…

    • Karen
    • August 21st, 2010

    I second the “Saw”-type thing. At some point during a previous “Bachelor” season, I was hoping for a “Ten Little Indians” style elimination rather than the obvious rose giveaway. Is there anyone in this pile of contestants you wouldn’t want offed? I can’t think of a one.

    I’m also wondering if Gia actually looks better in person because she still looks creepy to me.

      • 68comeback
      • August 21st, 2010

      Well, while acknowledging that I was the one who brought up “Saw,” I’m hesitant to wish death on any of them. Technically speaking, it was only an idea for eliciting more tears. There are people behind the scenes who undoubtedly work very hard to make this lot come off as objectionable as they do, from feeding them booze to encouraging them to pair up out of paranoia over the intentions of ‘others,’ to reminding them at all times to talk about LOVE as though it was a real possibility, when in fact, they’ve already painted the front door with lamb’s blood so that said spirit will pass over the Pad.
      Gia probably does look better in person, but only up to a point. She seems quite over-botoxed, and what no one ever seems to mention to people who go in for that sort of thing is that it’s important for faces to express, if we are to think of the people behind them as sane and, well, people.

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