The Bachelor: Try the cheesy potatoes

Mucho cuidado. My friend and 68 Comeback Special co-host Tom Murray might take this differently than I intend, so I must be careful. He might take it to mean that I don’t like him when I say that when the TV asks if I know anyone would make a great Bachelor/ette, I think of him. But it’s not true.

I think this because in my estimation, Tom is the “O.B.”, which stands for Original Bachelor, and the only potential Bachelor in the world who’s capable of saving this show’s soul. But someone else should go to the Bachelor(ette) website and nominate him, just in case he still doesn’t get the compliment.

There. Good.

So, who saw Ali play baseball with Roberto at the start of their hometown date in Tampa? I didn’t – putting the kids to bed, yo – but I hit the couch just in time to see a big chunk of something that looked like clot lasagna being airlifted onto Ali’s supper plate. I’m no fussy eater, and Roberto is a really handsome man and surely his dad isn’t the only one who thinks he’s a great catch, but I would have walked out of that house and out of that man’s life before I put any “food” that looked like that in my mouth.

Then, suddenly, Roberto’s father and Ali are alone and talking about Roberto and Ali. The guy’s kept every single award his son has ever won, and he’s the one in this family who decides if some woman is good enough for his boy. He asks what sorts of sacrifices she would be willing to make to support Roberto, just like that, and Ali’s smile gets big and sweet and her eyes open wide as wide can be – it’s the look she makes when she’s trying to keep the words, “Really? Are you for fucking real?” from sneaking out her mouth. But then, as she gives him her liberated woman answer about them working as a team as a family, etc., Roberto’s dad’s eyes open really wide and his smile gets really big…

Both parents give their blessing, but that’s all just a scam anyway that everybody involved should be ashamed of. But anyway, then Roberto’s parents start dancing, and then everyone’s dancing and they’re having a dance party in the living room! But I’m tired of Roberto’s family, let’s go to Cape Cod to visit Ol’ Chris and the Sea!

HO. LY. CRAP. Is Chris L from Cape Cod or what, with his Cape Cod house and his walks on the beach with his black lab and his front porch with chairs on it?

It all made for quite the surprise when, after a nice walk on the beach with his black lab and and a nice tour of his Cape Cod house, Ali mistakenly sits down in his deceased mother’s wicker chair and Chris totally blows a gasket, EXPLODING in a white hot ball of profanity and screaming threats against everyone and the smashing things? Just kidding, they sit on the porch, make booze jokes and speak vaguely of forever.

Then she meets his dad and then his brothers and their significant others, who also like booze and wear bracelets that say “Love is the only reality,” just like the one Chris gave her in Portugal*. Chris’s dad is a nice man. He jokes to Aly that she’ll be stealing his roommate (no she won’t) and he says things like, “My goal before I leave this planet is to see all three of my sons happy,”** and the next thing you know, Chris and Ali are in a little stone tower and he’s kissing her neck, meaning it’s time for Ali to visit Kirk’s hometown of Green Bay.

Poor Kirk is a child of divorce – his parents don’t even speak to each other. He’s being weird and nervous as they walk up to his father’s house, quizzing her about his sisters’ names and shit, but it’s not nearly like the weird the show’s been pumping with their little clip of his dad going, “So Ali, would you like to see my basement?”

They got a lot of mileage out of that line, from Kirk’s father so much that one is inclined toward skepticism about the actual level of weirdness in play here. But, he is a taxidermist, and taxidermy is kind of a creepy hobby(?)/profession(?)/pastime(?), and he does deliver the line like a weirdo, and the next one too: “I bring animals back to life.”

“No you don’t, you freak,” she answers back, and that’s when the growling noises start, but from where could they possibly be coming? The animals in this basement are all dead, stuffed. Did she just see something move out of the corner of her eye?

Ali makes a break for the stairs and barely escapes in time to go over to Kirk’s mom’s house. She’s lucky to be alive, but it’s little wonder she cuts him loose in the end, between the taxidermy and his grandmother’s weirdness about cheesy potatoes. Yeah, if you wanted to read right until the end before you found out who goes home, sorry. It’s Kirk***, and now is as good a time as ever to bring up Ali’s top-notch sad puppy face that can keep just about anyone from being mad at her, even at times when she could possibly use a good yelling-at. She’s really got it on speed dial, too, eh?

I suppose, now that I’ve told you how it ends, I could just as easily end things here, which would make me perfectly happy, considering how much I’m against Frank now, but I do have a couple of remarks. First of all, look at this guy. He needs a pipe, doesn’t he? There he is – Frank, in his hometown of Chicago, which is one of a long list of things that he doesn’t deserve. Man, I can’t believe I was on that guy’s side for even a second there, earlier this season. Frank is dead to me, with or without the teasers from next week, but they sure don’t help his cause any****.

*I’m back and forth about how weird I think the bracelets are.

**which suggests that maybe he should have more strenuously objected to his son getting involved with this television show, but different people have different ways, and Chris and Ali ARE smooching in a romantic little stone tower, so what do I know about being a dad?

***Which I predicted last week. Hurray for me.

****Though what reason would I have for trusting the show’s account of what happened?

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    • Rachel
    • July 13th, 2010

    Great post! How come you’re such a Frank hater now? I don’t really blame him for his neurotic whining. It IS a mind game, he’s right. Quite a cruel one, too. That’s what makes it so fascinating to watch, isn’t it? Are you judging him based on what the teasers have led us to believe is going to be revealed next week? I suspect it’s going to be a bit more complicated than it has appeared so far.

      • 68comeback
      • July 13th, 2010

      I think I have to blame the teasers in part for my attitude towards Frank, and I know I can’t because the show isn’t exactly trustworthy, especially when it comes to the use of teasers. I know it’s a mind game and I don’t exactly hold him responsible for whining for that reason, but I can, will and do hold him responsible for the quality of the whining in which he engages, and that I find thoroughly repetitive. Frank no longer entertains me, and that makes me mad.

    • Rachel
    • July 14th, 2010

    Okay, true. He has become rather a pill.

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