The Bachelor: “My mind’s a little preoccupied.”

Lisbon, Portugal. Last stop on the Bachelorette’s mini-European tour before they head home, one guy lighter, for visits in all the candidates’ hometowns with their families, every one of which is great, and with whom each bachelor candidate has the greatest, closest relationship, or so we’re told. Not that I’m doubting. Let the record show that nobody here is doubting, only observing.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves here. This is Lisbon! And there’s Roberto, the most fairy tale-appearing of all the candidates, dancing with Ali in the middle of the street while the locals try to look indifferent instead of annoyed and the tourists can’t figure out what’s going on. Other stuff happened, I’m sure, like probably kissing and deep, longing-filled stares, and most likely a cocktail or two, but it doesn’t seem now like I witnessed it. I kind of tune out Ali and Roberto.

Next up, a two on one with Ty, who’s divorced once already because he didn’t think wives should be allowed to have lives but he’s a reconstructed feminist now, as evidenced by statements like, “It tickles me to death that you have a plan, that you want to do something,” and Frank, who Ali doesn’t even mind if he lives with his parents. Frank complains because that’s Frank, Ty complains but resolves to make the best of it because that’s Ty, but Ali is distracted. She says, “This is hard.” She says she’s in a weird place and she is correct. She’s about half an hour from The Monster At the End of This Episode, also known as The Bullet She Dodged, “Famewhore,” “Liar,” and sometimes even Jake Pavelka, and his now ex-fiance, Vienna Something-something, brought together for a post-tabloid breakup explosion, low-class televised confrontation.

But first, more Lisbon dates! Kirk’s doing great. He feels really good, he’s in a great place and sometimes it seems as though that has something to do with Ali. It’s worth noting that when it comes time for Ali to confess to someone that she worries about being the object of everyone’s affections right now, but not being good enough, say, six months or a year into the future, it’s Kirk she feels safe enough with to do so. So now that she has, he’ll go next week.

Then it comes time for Chris L. to take advantage of a date on the same day as the cocktail party/rose ceremony. He drives a scooter like an old (old, old, old) man, and she keeps doing this weird confessional routine about how maybe it’s okay that he doesn’t open up as fast as others, but on the other hand maybe it’s too little too late, but by the end of the date, he’s told her lots more stuff and given her a bracelet besides and the kiss she gave him then had tongue. The views were picturesque. Ty gets cut. I predicted it. For once.

Now what should we do about The Monster? Should I just continue with this one or post a separate one? I think I’m going to do a separate post.

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