The Bachelorette: Nobody’s business but the Turks’

Soooo, which would you rather talk about first – the Bachelorette’s Big Crisis, or Ali’s problem, which might be described as more of a worry or maybe a concern, though it’s not for me to say. Though… if it were for me to say, I would mention that if she would just adjust her attitude the tiniest little bit in the exact opposite way from what the show would like her to, she would see that her problem is something much, much better than a problem.

As gleaned from the ‘scenes from next week’s program’ montage at the end of last night’s show, Ali worries that she might be wasting her time, that at the end of it all, she won’t find love* via the machinations of the Bachelorette TV show.

But while the worry about not finding love in general is a universal one and Ali’s worry about not finding love on this particular TV show is well-grounded, it is also pointless. It is practically a given that she won’t**. Let’s turn to the Bachelorette’s Big Crisis from last night, the fact that Justin has something approximating a girlfriend back home, for an example of why this is.

Host Chris knocks on Ali’s door, says he’s got serious news. Someone (That Wrestler!) has a girlfriend. He found out from a woman who was on the show last season (who Ali didn’t really seem able to place – nice touch), who is friends with the girlfriend, who fake cries worse than Ali. As far as the intel goes, intones Agent Harrison, “It’s legit.”***

Do we need to pause here for a brief refresher course on this show? The whole point of the thing is that this attractive bach’ette is looking for love, and these TV show people are going to help her. They’re going to gather together thousands of applicants and sift through them in order to find some people who could make for interesting matches for the love seeker and, allowing for TV’s demand for interesting things to happen on their shows, they’re going to try and place a few personalities together in situations (don’t forget the booze!)where those personalities have an opportunity to interact in interesting ways. Presumably, they will screen for certifiable insanity of the dangerous kind, disease, ulterior motives and other complicating factors, i.e. girlfriends back home.

Consider the amount of talk on this show about people being there for the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ reasons. Remember that such talk is utter nonsense, but then think of how truly shoddy the vetting work would have to be to not find a guy’s GIRLFRIEND and start wondering, if you don’t quite buy incompetence or negligence as explanations of a twist as lame as this, about sociopathy. I can’t bring myself to feel that sorry with someone who just goes along with it anyway – my friend Zenko and I were discussing just that same issue the other day, except about Teodor just going along with Nice Pete in Achewood’s most recent storyline – but what a buncha so-and-so’s the Bachelorette braintrust must be.

Which is why, Ali – may I call you Ali? – that you’ve got to start handling things a little differently from here on in. There are things you should know, if you don’t know about them already^ about televised searches for love. Number one? It’s never a waste of time to travel the world on someone else’s dime while you give it the old college try. But if you find love on this show, it’ll happen in spite of the help you’re getting, not because of it. Start chatting up cute fellas who aren’t part of the show, especially when you’re out on dates with Frank. Enter into ‘inappropriate relationships’ with everyone you possibly can. Demand they reinstate Kasey. Or picnic guy. C’mon Ali, from here on in, you gotta fuck shit up.

So there. Now, what happened on the show? They all went to Turkey, which my family and I prepared for with several choruses of Istanbul (Not Constantinople) and the eating of some remarkably gooey baklava at the Turkish Festival on Saturday^^.

Would the city of Constan…Istanbul have an inflatable jumpy thing for the kids? What kids? What people? Every place these people go, everywhere in the world, is entirely devoid of people, as though a Turkish bath full of Turkish men would crowd out all the romance between the female interloper Ali and the non-Turk interloper with whom she doesn’t really seem to have a lot of chemistry^^^, Ty.

The group date with Ali was weird. All of a sudden, a bunch of Turkish men appear from nowhere, and they’re professional olive oil wrestlers, and they are actually there to crowd out all the romance of the afternoon, this proven beyond a shadow of a doubt when Philly Craig won the olive oil wrestling challenge among the new worlders and got to spend time with her. More revealing than these are all those group dates without her, otherwise known as a bunch of guys sitting around a hotel room, drinking and talking about how badly they want to marry a woman. Women, please answer the following question in the Comments section: Do you think this sort of thing happens in real life?

Skipping to the end when Ali sent Craig packing – at long last – yeah, go figure. Sure the dude sort of got ripped off by never getting a one-on-one date with her, but then again, so? Frank’s had enough one-on-ones for both him and Craig now, and where have they gotten him (hmmm…under the Hollywood sign with a hot babe, AND in a cool-ass Turkish tunnel with that same hot babe?), besides further ’round the bend? Ali, if I may address you directly just one more time in this post, I have to say, Frank’s starting to look like the worst boyfriend ever. Count on it: ten thousand phone calls, text messages, e-mails per day; mopey, pissy behaviour whenever he has to ‘share’ you with others; complete disappearances when you need him the most, even if it doesn’t really seem like you need him all that badly from the outside. Just say ‘no’ to Frank. Just say ‘no’ to everyone. Just say ‘no’ to the Bachelorette.

*she specifically said “a husband” to Justin, but it sounded so stupid coming out of her mouth that I’m pretending it didn’t happen.

**Didja hear the one about Jake and Vienna?

***As opposed to the drama-building malarkey from last season, which they have yet to prove is “legit.”

^And if you were counting on your ‘friends’ at the Bachelorette to tell you, you shouldn’t have been.

^^ @Turkish Festival guys: get a new mc! lol!

^^^Ah, but there I go, falling into the TV trap again! What do I know about their chemistry, and what if they’re the two best people in the world for one another, but the chemistry is subtle and slow to build?

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    • Rachel
    • June 29th, 2010

    No! So how do they get them to say that stuff on TV?

      • 68comeback
      • June 29th, 2010

      There was a bottle of booze on the table in the foreground in one shot. No TV/radio/internet, no newspapers or magazines, just booze and producers, constantly prodding them to drink more and talk about how great it would be to marry Ali.

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