The Bachelorette: The Ick
Aaaah, do you smell that? Of course you do. It’s the Ick and it’s emanating from The Bachelorette program you’re watching on your TV. It’s a combination smell, of the growing desperation of the guys in the locker room and the smell that people who really get off on manipulation, like the Bachelorette’s producers, give off when they manipulate.
Though it pains me to say so, you can probably smell it from the time the first limo rolls up when it’s the Bachelor brand with the housefuls of ladies. With the fellas, it takes a little longer. You’ll catch a whiff of it from time to time in the early going, but it won’t really start consistently filling a room until a little later for the guys because not as many of them are willing to begin the season’s exercise by offering themselves unconditionally to someone they’ve never met.
But this episode was different. First, most of the easiest cuts had been made prior to the group’s little jaunt to Iceland, and so regarding everyone making the trip, while each would have gone through customs with varying levels of confidence in their chances of surviving the trip, none could know for sure that he would go through and each had to behave accordingly. Frank’s a simultaneously good and a bad example of this; good because he would never make the mistake of being that overconfident, bad because he always makes the mistake of being vastly underconfident, five seconds after his “girlfriend” has left his side.
But you hear it coming from just about everyone now. Nobody’s sure where they stand with the girl, but all of them are at least a little bit emotionally invested now, and so the “I just want…” and “I just need a little more…” statements begin seeping into the conversations, guys other than Kasey start repeating themselves like they’re reciting their affirmations in front of the mirror and the show’s producers start giving off a distinctive smell.
Next thing you know, they’re making everyone compete for a one-on-one date (novel concept) by writing and delivering a LOVE poem to Ali, in front of everybody. Later on, Host Chris can be seen haranguing Bachelorette Ali to just let go of whatever’s keeping her from falling in LOVE with someone, and start LOVING. I-c-k. Ick. Also, fuck you, Chris.
And please, if you wondered why in the world she wouldn’t have just cut Kasey loose last week when she didn’t give him a rose at the end of their date, wonder no more. It’s because some bright behind-the-scenester had already imagined the superior shot – helicopter for two taking off and flying away, leaving Kasey alone on a glacier, possibly to be incinerated by lava* – and all involved were sent forth to make such a thing happen.
As usual, there was a one-on-one date and a group date; and for a change there was a two-on-one date. The guy who will most undeservedly stay for a little longer: Philly Craig gets one more week for sure based on the strength of a funny joke about a tattoo and Chris N’s inability to communicate a complete thought**, two guys went – Kasey and Chris N – though it should have been more.
*But this shot is only superior to the one where she would have sent him packing in private. The vastly superior one would have been the one where the helicopter took off with only Ali in it, leaving both the Wrestler and the Psychopath behind. And she opens the windows and starts lobbing grenades at them. And in spite of everything going on around them, Justin and Kasey start kissing. Why is this not obvious?
** I might have misheard at the end of sharing time between him and Ali, but did he really say, “Good talk.”?***
***I also might have misheard when Ali and Frank went off together at the cocktail party, but was she starting to tell him about how she doesn’t really like Justin all that much?