The Bachelorette: “I gave up everything to be here.”

You gave up everything? I didn’t get to watch even a second of wrestling thanks to your little soiree, lady. And for as long as we’re on that topic, we’ll take a quick straw poll just to test the mood of the crowd: at the start of each season of the Bachelor(ette) franchise, there is a cocktail party during which the adored one has a chance to meet the potential mates on offer. In this situation, which do you find more disagreeable, groups of 25 men, or groups of 25 women?

It’s difficult to choose, isn’t it? I think the right one is, “Whichever group is on display at the time.”

But I’m not exactly adoring Ali so much this time around, either. It seems I like her on some sort of a bell curve, so when last season, she was presented as one from a broad selection of twits and lunatics that was sensible enough to not tie her hopes and dreams to some guy, I liked her plenty. As one woman who’s cast aside her job and her apartment in order to find her very own some guy, on TV, I like her less.

I’m skeptical about the truthfulness of what was presented as her departure from the show last season,  and I scorn the statement, “I gave up everything to be here.” To imagine that she’s going to be singing it like a broken record for the whole of this season? Ugh.

Lady, you quit your job to start a new job of being a pretty lady on TV. You left your apartment to live expense-free in a spectacular house and go on exciting dates all around the world with a bunch of TV producer-picked boyfriend-bots. It’s kind of bullshit to describe that as much of a sacrifice.

Oh, but look at me going on and on about this person whom I had no idea even existed before television went to the trouble to introduce them to me.  What do I know about this woman, or any of these men that has not been heavily mediated? Zero. Were it not for television’s efforts, I would not know Ali Fedotowsky existed, or Lawyer Jay, who was sent home because whenever he had a chance to initiate a discussion with the potential object of his affections, he gave her his carp impression. Gotta save that for later dates, fella, and you have to, have to, HAVE TO introduce it first.

Also gone: Shooter. He used to come too fast in his university days*, and after splorting that little dress ruiner into the conversation inside of five sentences, he wants her to believe that it’s no longer an issue?

Ah, but those are the guys we now understand to be losers, sent home on the very first day, unloved, unlovable. We’ll never see them again, not on a television set anyway, so who cares about ’em, especially when there are potential crackpots in the group that remains that’ll be so much easier to watch? I’ve got my eye on: the Weatherman, who spoke of Hair Craig (don’t marry a man named Craig, Ali. It’s the loneliest name) through such gritted teeth at one point that it seemed he might break them; Kermit, er, Casey, who has decided that the fact he has appointed himself the protector of Ali’s heart shall be the only topic of conversation between them; the lawyer/concern troll who expressed worry about the motives of the soon-to-receive-his-cease-and-desist-letter-from-the-WWE professional wrestler.

There could be more; we’ll have to wait and see, but we don’t have to worry about any of them too much, because Ali already loves Roberto, or so we’re led to believe. I say it in the most ambivalent way possible: we’ll just have to keep watching to see how it all turns out.

*He shoulda told her he put himself through school as a hired assassin.

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