The Bachelor: I Knew That Was Going to Happen

I am notoriously bad at guessing who is going to win on these weird reality TV game shows like the Bachelor. What can I say? I can’t help but pack all sorts of my own personal preferences, biases and attitudes into my guesses, and how I say it’s going to go is usually quite a bit different from how it goes. I’m just really not good at it.

But then again, sometimes a season finale comes along that’s so pathetically obvious because from the very first second of the broadcast, it is saddled with such a completely non-existent choice that even I can guess what’s going to happen.

And so I sat and waited, through two hours of manufactured drama: Jake’s family meeting his two potential soul mates/life partners/ol’ balls and chains and going through the motions of giving them the thumbs up or down, more dream dates in exotic locations*, earnest conversations conducted not only with voices but also on Jake’s mud-smeared chest, helicopter crashes**, brushes with the local crime syndicate*** and finally – FINALLY – the naming of element 112****, for Jake to break Tenley’s heart and send her packing so he could get down on one knee and propose to Vienna. And then he did. Imagine that, eh?

Poor Tenley. The only reason she was there at all was because there had to be two women to choose between. To cop a trite explanation for what just happened, Jake just wasn’t that into her, and any suggestion to the contrary amounts to that much wishful thinking.  His family quite obviously preferred her, matching them up perfectly with everyone who does not prefer, for themselves or their loved ones, lifelong commitments to horsey-faced, cross-eyed knuckleheads. Maybe Jake’s adopted? No matter; like any family that finds itself on a fancy tropical vacation because someone they are close to is seeking love via a form of televised sweepstakes, they found that, given the circumstances, the other one was tolerable as well. Given I’m no good at guessing the winners at this sort of thing anyway, I suppose I’ll pick Jake’s family. I mean, after all, THEY won’t actually have to live with her.

*Vienna: “I want this life!” Do you mean you want a life of dream dates in exotic places with your husband who doesn’t have to work to provide them? Time to wake up, sweety, you’re marrying a working man!

**It was the very least they could do. And they didn’t do it.

***But I would have settled for this. But they didn’t do it.

****It really happened! No thanks to Chris Harrison.

*****Sometimes when she’s very upset, my daughter will look at her reflection in the mirror, presumably so she knows what she looks like when she’s very upset. If I was asked to offer Tenley one piece of advice about being-in-the-TV-world, it would be to try this.

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