The Bachelor: Que Sera, Sera

I’m not usually one to advocate the leaving of one’s house, but I am a realist. If Wilco won’t come to my place to play, for example, I have little choice but to go to see them where they are, and so on Monday night I shall be venturing out of the house in order to watch Wilco perform live in concert.

That means I won’t be viewing the Bachelor as it runs tonight, and what’s more, we can’t seem to record television programs anymore at my house, so I don’t really know if I’ll see the show at all. But I do feel as though I’ve made a commitment to blogging the show and I should honour the commitment. You can’t just go along with something as though you’re in it for the long haul, and then just all of a sudden bail on that, right?

Now, there is something to be said for disconnecting the blogging from any actual viewing. The main advantage it allows for over just about anything else is that I can do it today, in advance of the show, if I don’t mind the fact that what I write now may not match up exactly with what happens later, which I don’t. Let’s not call them predictions, let’s call them wishful thinking.

So from this vantage point, I think it’s especially important for everyone else to tune in and watch, because it’s likely to be quite spectacular. Ali’s going to show up, as hinted at in last week’s episode, except it’ll be with guns a-blazin’, with the express purpose of liberating the remaining contestants and as many of the show’s crew she can muster in that moment. Expect an epic sword battle, in helicopters, between her and Big Boss Chris before they can make their escape*.

Or, Ali will save everyone but Vienna, who says she doesn’t believe in “that sort of liberation,” but who goes on a hometown date with Jake, only to start up a flirtation with his father, only to run away with Jake’s father, on horseback, before the end of the episode.  Guess who is last seen calling back over her shoulder, “Sorry Jakey, but you can’t help who you looooooove!”

Or, Ali doesn’t save anyone because she’s back at work and once again does not have the time in her schedule to trouble herself with trivial nonsense apart from that which has been assigned to her, but just like her (a la that Brady Bunch episode**), each of the remaining three ladies shows up with a story about how “Something came up,” and they can’t hang around with him on TV anymore.  All of a sudden Tennley thinks she can dance, so she is going to try out for So You Think You Can Dance, Gia has rediscovered plans she made in her adolescence to undergo plastic surgery to make her look exactly like the Dalai Lama so she can rent herself out as a Dalai Lama lookalike for promotional appearances and Vienna is dating his dad. Watch for lots of smiles when all this goes down!

Or, finally, we hear someone utter the three little words that all watchers of the Bachelor truly yearn to hear on this, their most beloved of TV shows: “Ritual human sacrifice.” 

*Spoiler alert: everyone who wants to escape manages to do so, but when last we see her, Ali is falling from her helicopter into some very dense jungle. Don’t ask me how. We are led to believe that she will not survive, but do we know for sure?

**They really made that out to be a bad thing on that episode, but I’m not sure I agree.

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