The Bachelor: “All I have is hope.”

All I can say is, some people got a lotta nerve, most notably those found on television. Holy cow. This guy, this…Bachelor named Jake spends this whole episode of his series visiting the respective hometowns and families of all four of the ladies* with whom he is currently, ahem, falling in love. Everybody loves him, and he loves everybody. After all, who wouldn’t love a pilot, especially one who smiles so freaking much, in their family?

I don’t have to go into detail here, do I? You know the drill – state to state, viewing each one in her natural habitat, taking special note of anything familial that might suggest expensive/tragic genetic problems or a tendency to age very badly. These dates usually make for a pretty run-of-the-mill episode on the whole** (check), unless or until something exciting happens to shake them up (check), like maybe Ali showing up at Jake’s hotel room with big, bad news. Sigh – she’s needed back at her job and if she doesn’t go right this instant, she’ll be fired. Is it wrong to say that it seemed like she was forcing it a bit during this entire segment? Or that her emotion seemed much more realistic later on after she actually quit the game – so possibly after she was actually experiencing the repercussions of the decision, or also possibly after receiving some coaching?

For that matter, is it wrong to say this whole twist, such as it is, doesn’t really pass the smell test for me, especially considering the sneak-peek highlight from next week when the phone in Jake’s room rings and it’s Ali***, but if we could just pretend for a second or two that we know nothing about the future and get to my personal choice for Line of the Night: it’s from Jake, as he wishes for Ali to stay in the game but does not yet know if she will: “All I have is hope.”

What a maroon. Uh, sure Jake, whatever you say. All you have is hope… and three other babes who would still be perfectly happy for you to propose to them.

One final thought that crossed my mind while watching the ladies’ families love Jake and speak glowingly of him. Next time you watch The Bachelor, try this, just for fun. Imagine that Jake has a secret. Imagine that he is a serial killer. There now, isn’t that fun?

*In the interest of being as honest and forthright as The Jakelor himself, I will admit to missing out on all of the date with Gia because I was at the store buying apples. Yes, that’s right. It seemed very important right at that moment, possibly because I believed Gia was the next to go, and the process of hardening my heart to her in advance of her departure required that I not witness any aspect of Gia that might elicit sympathy. My wife tells me her family seemed worried about this little setup she’s got herself involved in. If I understand correctly, Gia’s family is right to feel this way, and I was right (check) to go to the store.

**That is, if we ignore The Uncomfortableness which occurs each time the Bachelor asks a lady’s parent(s) if it would be alright if he asked their daughter to marry him, in the case where it should come to that.

Show of hands, please: who among us CAN find it within themselves to resist the urge to shout snarky lawyerisms at their televisions whenever this goes down? 

***The only possible way for that telephone conversation to go, if this show is to be redeemed for employing this stupid, ham-handed device in consecutive seasons: “Jake, it’s Ali. Dumping you and that stupid goddamn show and going back to work was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I’m over you, and I’m coming for the rest of my sisters. If you try and stop me, I will destroy you.” clik

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