The Bachelor: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

This is the thing: I made one offhanded reference to The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, which I’m watching* because watching TV is what I like to do and The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love is on TV, and the next thing I know, my friend Rachel has sent me the link to her friend, Guy’s, blog about The Bachelor. I read it and I thought, “Huh. Blogging about The Bachelor. Huh.”

Okay. I will try and blog about this one time, and if I enjoy that and am not too lazy, I will do it more. But it’s Thursday. And the show is on Monday. So it’s already three days after Episode 2. If I don’t hurry up, this is going to be completely irrelevant (snicker). So let’s get going already.

First up – ground rules and the such. Rule Number ONE: I cannot be counted on as anything resembling a font of Bachelor-related knowledge. I’ve watched more episodes of it than I’m comfortable with admitting, but I’m not great with names, never have been. Definitely refer to Guy’s blog for that stuff, it’s what I’m going to do. He’s got nicknames, he’s kept track of who’s still in the game and who isn’t, not to mention a few frontrunner picks – in essence, he is a far superior Bachelor blogger to me.

Returning to the topic at hand, I remember some stuff from past seasons, the most important thing being that, by and large, this Bachelor stuff does not work out. For all the making out and crying and tortured expressions and spectacular locations, I know for a fact that there were only two Bachelor people who ever got married, or even remotely serious. Otherwise, it’s all breakups and weirdness, like that Bachelor who chose one girl and then reneged on that and chose the other, and the other time when that guy LEFT THE SHOW in the middle of it, saying he had to go back to work, and then he came back, and THAT BACHELORETTE TOOK HIM BACK! For now, that is.

Rule Number TWO: I could go on and on and on about much this show creeps me out and how it completely astounds me that anyone would volunteer themselves for such a bizarre ordeal. I’m not sure that it’s possible to understate these things, but they’re chronic issues, as opposed to the acute issues that are most pertinent to the particular episode in which they are contained. So though I could go on and on, I’ll save it for another time.

Rule Number THREE: The very thought of doing some sort of blow-by-blow of each episode makes me die for a second… – there, see? – so I’m not going to. It’ll go more like this:

WHERE IN THE WORLD DID MANNERS GO? We sit and watch, and without fail, just as one young woman, who has left her life behind to live in a house full of other young women who will compete with her for the love of an attractive, boring young man that none of them knows, in order to entertain, is about to reveal Her Major Deal to the young man, some other woman always interrupts, asking if she can “Borrow Jake,” “Steal Jake for a minute, okay?” or some such thing. But instead of ever saying anything like, “Okay, y’know what, Crazy Lady You? Crazy Lady She and I were just talking, and we’re at a pretty good part, so yeah, I know we’ve been away for a few minutes, but how about you let us finish up and we’ll be out right away, and then I can maybe spend some time with you,” he just sort of smiles because that’s something he knows how to do, and then he gets up and leaves with the new one. Who does that, or more importantly, who does that and gets away with it?

WHEN IT COMES TO MICHELLE, YOU AND I BOTH KNOW IT’LL END IN TEARS. The moment, the episode, the series, her whole life, I mean. There’s a look in her eyes that everyone recognizes. For people who are basically stable and sane, it is a clear signal that she is to be avoided at all costs.

To be fair, many of the Bachelor ladies have got a pretty serious case of the crackpots; we heard on several occasions, uttered in degrees of earnestness that are quite inappropriate to the situation, variations on the old chestnut, “I knew from the time I saw him that we would be together forever,” but Michelle’s eyes are the only ones honest enough to put the crazy right out front where it needs to be.

Although, to think about it, that nanny’s a piece of work, eh? Between the note she wrote him that she wouldn’t even let him read for himself, to the serious rubbing it in that she gave Jake over the fact that she wasn’t going to kiss him, the guy would have to be sooo nuts to get tangled up with her.

Finally, THERE ARE TWO THINGS ABOUT COCKTAIL PARTIES THAT WE SHOULD UNDERSTAND BEFORE WE GO ON. There’s no sense in having a cocktail party without also having plans to ask someone to leave. It completely defeats the purpose of any cocktail party to ask someone to leave and then stop the party.

Telling that lady to leave because of her alleged “inappropriate relationship” with a staffer from The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love was wrong. Jake should have been given the decision over whether to keep her around. Not allowing him to make that decision for himself, and shutting down the cocktail party without first asking the people in the room how they felt about it makes for a pretty strong implicit admission from the producers of The Bachelor that they’re not very committed to making the best TV possible.

*watching is a relative term. I’m also “watching” Heroes at the same time, and this is probably as good a time as ever for me to come clean about Monday Night Raw. So I admit that I don’t see everything, which is okay because I don’t really remember everything I see, either.

    • Gillian
    • January 15th, 2010

    Craigy, I love it. You are a very good bachelor blogger. I mean, Bachelor blogger. You are not a bachelor, you are married to me.

    • Rachel
    • January 16th, 2010

    Yeah, good point about the cocktail party. Why act like this removal of Roz was a sudden, unplanned incident? Why not allow the gossip, shock and horror to go on? The revelation itself was plenty good TV enough without needing to get all melodramatic about it. Not sure if I agree that they should have given Jake the decision about asking her to go, though. I guess it would have been more dramatic, but making him do it himself would have been excruciating to watch. What I loved best was when she said she didn’t think her personal life was anyone’s business. Um…

      • 68comeback
      • January 16th, 2010

      Have none of them ever watched a soap opera? Someone storms out or gets sent away from the party, and everyone else decides, “Shucks, well, I guess we all better get going then…”? NO! Grr.
      I agree that making Jakey decide whether Roz stayed would be excrutiating (heh), but if we’re going to play along with the little fiction that we’re trying to help this fellow find *wink* love and *nudge* marriage, which frequently involve relationships with other people and even periods of time when one wonders what the hell the other has going on in their head to make them behave the way they do. I know the day to day realities aren’t really intended to be addressed in a show like this, but as long as they’re emerging anyway, why struggle against them? Excruciating to watch? Yep. As in, good TV? YES.

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