Obligatory Michael Jackson conspiracy theory

Michael Jackson is dead. Or is he? You can believe the mainstream media if you want, or you can believe that he faked his own death in order to escape a) bill collectors, b) the pressure from his planned “reemergence,”  c) the supreme daily pain-in-the-assness of being a ultramegasuperduberstar, and/or d) any or all of the above, plus e) any other rationales, realistic or feverish, that might be attributed to a man of Michael Jackson’s demeanour, for wanting to pretend to be dead when he is not, in fact, dead. 

Anyway. Something nobody can quite fathom at any point before they become a Ridiculously Huge Star is that Ridiculously Huge Stars can’t just up and retire like you and I can retire. Considerably more drastic measures are required. Surely you’ve heard of the secret, seven-story deep bunker that Elvis Presley had built underneath Graceland, prior to faking his own death? MJ lives there now with Elvis and certain other ‘dead’ celebrities.* You don’t have to be sad for him anymore.

It’s just, the thing of it is…

*there’s a very rich back story, including rosters of ‘dead’ celebrities who aren’t really dead and the top secret megacelebrity retirement communities to which they have been relocated, lists of (and interviews with) the go-to experts with whom celebrities consult in order to fake their own deaths, previously unreleased ‘death strategies,’ photographs from Disco Night in the big Graceland underground retirement complex, top secret blueprints of said building (including state of the art Sunshine Intake System) and lots, lots more! I’d be happy to share it all with you, in the form of a tell-all book. Someone give me a book deal!

Please click here to offer me a book deal.

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  1. I just saw him at Costco this afternoon, loading up on cans of Dr. Pepper and pina colada jellybeans. He looked fabulous.

      • 68comeback
      • June 26th, 2009

      For the first time in his life, he wore sweatpants and an old B-52’s t-shirt out in public, with no makeup whatsoever. LIBERATION! The cashier gave him a momentary look that made him think the jig might be up, but he shook his head sadly and said, “That’s really sad news about Ed McMahon, isn’t it?” What could she say? It is really sad news.

    • Janice Cross
    • July 21st, 2009

    Thanks for the jibe. And for the preceding comments. It was cool to be able to read a little something less negative & momentarily indulge in the fantasy that Michael Jackson was still alive & happy somewhere. And no, i didn’t miss the point. Very tastefully done. I think Michael would’ve appreciated this perspective. Thanks again…jc

  1. June 26th, 2009

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